Coons, the Yellow Hat Guy, is the
Champion of Justice, and the Purveyor of Truth. He
fights a never-ending battle to protect the meek, the shy, the nerdy,
against the evil forces of religion, neo-conservative politics, and
manatees.
Ryan William Coons was born on July 12, 1981 in Meadville, PA, the son
of a restaurant manager and one of his waitresses. He moved to
Edinboro, PA in 1984. That same year, he was diagnosed with a lazy eye,
which was surgically corrected. Wearing an eye patch through his
formative years excluded him from participating in anything
with the suffix "'-ball" due to lack of the requisite depth perception.
This caused him to turn to books, moives, and to his own hyperactive imagination. From an early age, he demonstrated a flair for the physical
sciences and Egyptology, along with an unhealthy fascination of weapons. He was raised as a Roman Catholic, but is expected to make a full recovery.
In June 1996, Coons began
to wear yellow bucket hats,
with the brim folded up in the back, as an
ertaz fedora. He also began
writing regularly to pass the time while his friends were at band camp.
He achieved a small amount
of Internet fame in the summer of 1997 with the creation of
the "Mr. T vs. Hanson" webcomic, prompting teenyboppers to send him
death threats from four continents. His fame slid in direct proportion
with Hanson's, though the comic received regular fan mail until it went
offline in 2001. All traces of "Mr. T vs. Hanson" and his follow-up
"Mr. T vs. RoboCop" have been lost to history.
He graduated from General McLane High
School in Edinboro with mediocre grades and a burning hatred for fine
literature in 1999. He also earned the rank of Eagle Scout at this time. Upon graduation, he attended the
conveniently
nearby Edinboro University of Pennsylvania. There he
earned a B.S. in physics, with minors in mathematics and
political science, in 2004. He was known on campus as Yellow Hat Guy,
and was of the most recognizable and well-known people on
campus, much to the chagrin of all the Edinboro fraternity and sorority
members, all of whom desired the popularity which Coons acquired
without
conscious effort.
(It should be known
that this
notoriety is only because Unicycle Guy graduated in 2001.)
In the dorms of Edinboro, Coons met inummerable interesting people, and
had many wacky adventures. He met some amazing women, but
didn't get anywhere with them. He also drove in to Erie at least three
times a week to learn the art of Goshinjutsu
Karatedo, an American-founded non-sport form of Okinawian-style karate,
with strong aikijutsu influences. Coons was awarded the rank of nidan
(second degree black belt) in 2007.
After graduation from
Edinboro, his gypsy
blood called him onward to Oxford, OH. There he attended Miami
University, earning the M.S. in physics in 2006. His thesis was on the
improvment and characterization of a high-power, broad-area diode
laser
coupled to a external variable-length Littman-Metcalf cavity.
In this time he read lots of books, and dabbled in several
martial
arts, primarily judo, where he suffered a gruesome shoulder
dislocation, which makes for a neat story to tell people in bars. Coons
also earned a reputation as a
nuisance and instigator by the pretentious social
conservatives within his department that took offense at anything
novel, fun, or remotely straying from the social norm.
He supported himself with a teaching assistanship, and taught several
sections of intro-level physics labs. He gained a reputation as a "hard
TA" from his brutal grading of formal lab reports and rejection of any
and all attempts to appeal to his emotions. However,
his dynamic lecturing ability, sarcastic wit, and ability to
make complex ideas simple, made Coons well liked amongst his
students...or at least the ones who showed improvement in their
ability to write and construct logical arguments.
After graduation, Coons frantically
searched for jobs for several months. He eventually became a barback at
a casino, and tried to get his work published in the mainstream media.
Coons does not recommend either one.
Coons currently resides in West
Lafayette, IN, and is enrolled at Purdue University,
where he studies nuclear engineering (and kendo).
Coons is also single. Nubile women
ages
18-29 can obtain an application here.
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